


Ode to sorrow

by twoheartsx



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heavy Drinking, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, set after the end of the manga and garden of light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-26 20:55:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16688692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoheartsx/pseuds/twoheartsx
Summary: Happiness always seemed like an illusion.





	Ode to sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I wrote this but have some Yue being sad.

Yut-Lung sat and sobbed when he heard Sing was getting married. The man had sent him a wedding invite. A little white envelope with a pink letter inside. It smells of cheap perfume and Yut-Lung wants to tear it to shreds. He hates it, hates that the man he longed for, was marrying another. Yut-Lung sobbed, loudly into his hands and he already knew no one would come running. They wouldn’t comfort him or check on him. He was alone in every sense. He’d always told himself that was fine, but right now all he wanted was some comfort. 

~

Yut-Lung found that comfort in a bottle. He drank until he felt nothing. Till he was drunk and numb while laying on his bedroom floor. He imagined what Sing might do if he were here. How he’d carry him to bed and cover him up. He’d be so kind. Yut-Lung stumbled to the bathroom and caught sight of himself in the mirror. He looked like a true mess with his usually well done hair, in his face and sticking to his tear stained cheeks. His eyes were red from how hard he’d been crying and he wanted it to go away. He didn’t want to see himself like this. He didn’t want to see himself at all. He smashed the empty wine bottle against the mirror, busting both. 

“Fuck you!” He screamed at no one. Maybe it was meant for Sing who’d unknowingly broke his heart. Maybe it was at the girl who’d taken Sing from him because she deserved him. Mostly it was meant for himself for being such a tragedy. He sat down on the bathroom floor cried till he passed out. 

~

When Yut-Lung woke up the first thing he did was throw up. His head pounding and all he wanted was a drink. He couldn’t even stand up and he wondered if he’d die right here. He also wondered if that would be better for everyone if he did. 

~

In the end he got taken to the hospital and treated for alcohol poisoning. He lied in the hospital bed and begged the nurse not to call Sing. He was Yut-Lung’s right hand man, but Yut-Lung couldn’t stand the sight of him. The nurse insisted they had to contact someone. Yut-Lung was an adult, but he needed an intervention. He ended up giving them Blanca’s number. The only person he knew wouldn’t care enough to see him. Blanca would step in, do his part, and leave again. Just like before and just like all those years ago, Blanca would back out the moment things turned ugly. 

~

When Blanca arrives Yut-Lung regrets calling him. He looks worried. He sits by Yut-Lung’s bed and asked. “Why did you do it?” 

“Why does it matter?” Yut-Lung asked, shrugging. Blanca frowns at his answer and Yut-Lung turns away. 

“The doctors want you to be under the supervision of someone. It’s that or rehab.” Blanca had talked the nurses into letting Yut-Lung stay with him. He was sure he could get through to him better than a random stranger. 

“You can stay with me till the doctors are satisfied.” Yut-Lung replied and turned over on the bed. “You don’t have to watch over me yet so you can leave.” Yut-Lung listens to Blanca walk out, secretly wishing for once someone would stay when he said go. 

~

Having Blanca stay with him does little to help. He keeps drinking, nothing like the night he got Sing’s wedding invite, but still to the point his vision blurs and mind hazes over. 

He currently lied on the couch, half empty wine bottle in his hand. He looks over when he feels someone pulling the bottle from his grasp. It’s Blanca. 

“Cutting me off?” Yut-Lung slurs and sits up. Sing’s wedding is three days away and he’s bitter. He doesn’t want to go, but at the same time he wants to remind Sing what he’s giving up. He has the smug though until he remembers, it’s not a loss for Sing. Yut-Lung was a disaster, this woman was beautiful. Sing deserved a wife who would love him and be good to him. Yut-Lung knew he deserved this. Every reckless thought in his head screamed he got what he deserved. 

“Let’s get you to bed.” Blanca set the bottle aside and picked Yut-Lung up bridal style. He carried the youngest Lee to his room and put him in bed. He covered him up. 

“Wait, I need to ask you something.” Yut-Lung called out. Blanca took a seat on the edge of the bed. Yut-Lung sat up, hair spilling over his shoulders. 

“What’s wrong?” Blanca asked. Yut-Lung frowned. 

“Am I pretty?” Yut-Lung slurred after a few minutes. Blanca sat there staring at the youngest Lee for a moment and then sighed. 

“Is this about Mister Sing marrying that girl?” Blanca asked. Yut-Lung looked surprised he knew and arched a brow. “I saw the invention on your desk.” 

“She’s not even as pretty as me.” Yut-Lung sobbed, tears forming in his eyes. “Who could ever love me?” 

“Surly someone must.” Blanca replied and Yut-Lung slapped him. Blanca had allowed it. 

“You keep fucking saying that! You know what? They don’t! My mother loved me and she’s dead. No one else has ever cared for me.” Yut-Lung lied back down and buried his face in the pillows. 

“Get out. Go, just leave me alone.” Yut-Lung cried. Blanca made no move at first but after Yut-Lung scream at him a few more times to leave, he did. 

~

Yut-Lung gasped as his back hit the bed. The man on top of him was roughly pulling his pants off. He’d went out, without Blanca knowing, gotten drunk and brought home the first asshole who he found. He wanted this, even if it was meaningless. It would fill the void till morning. His moment is ruined by Blanca pulling the guy off of him and punching him out. 

“Blanca, what the fuck?!” Yut-Lung yelled and sat up, nearly falling over again. Blanca took Yut-Lung’s face in his hands. 

“Are you okay?” Blanca asked. Yut-Lung shook his head and hugged Blanca pressing his face into his chest. 

“I just want to get fucked up. Just for a night I want someone to hold me. They don’t have to love me, just fuck me. Make me feel something other than like I’m worthless.” Yut-Lung cried into Blanca’s chest. The man held Yut-Lung till he cried himself to sleep. After that, he dressed Yut-Lung and kicked the guy out. 

~

“Do you ever miss Natasha?” Yut-Lung asked one morning at breakfast. He was hungover and staring at his plate of food like it would disappear if he thought hard enough. 

“Of course.” Blanca responded. He missed his wife often. She was the only woman he’d ever loved. 

“What’s it like to love someone who loves you back?” Yut-Lung asked. He looked up at Blanca with tired eyes. 

“It was hard for me. I was raised to be soldier. I think sometimes I failed to be a good husband.” Blanca sipped his drink. He’d never told this to anyone. Spending time with Yut-Lung made him realize, he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t love properly. “I wish I had been a better husband to her.” 

“Does it feel good? Making love.” Yut-Lung asked. Blanca only nodded his head. The youngest Lee stood up and walked around the table. He placed a hand on Blanca’s cheek. 

“Can you show me?” Yut-Lung asked, swallowed hard. “Please.” 

~

Yut-Lung closes his eyes and pretends it’s his wedding night. He’s marrying a man who loves him. As Blanca slowly thrusts inside him, their fingers interlocked, the retired assassins mouth on his throat. In that moment Yut-Lung isn’t himself. He’s not tragic and broken. He’s not worthless and unwanted. In his mind it’s his wedding night, and the man slowly kissing over his body loves him. He feels it in the faintest way, the only way he ever will. What he thinks love is like. Blanca is gentle and he’s even kind enough to say Yut-Lung’s name. 

After they’re done he holds Yut-Lung close. In the morning they’ll pretend it didn’t happen. Yut-Lung will go to Sing’s wedding and he’ll watch the man he almost loved, love another. He’ll watch his own heart break, he’ll come home and he’ll drink till he feels nothing. Tonight he’s loved. 

~ 

It was a few weeks after the wedding. Yut-Lung was slowly getting back to himself. His break downs becoming less and less. He let any man into his bed who would give him even a moment. In the morning he kicked them out. Blanca had become a presence in the house. He was around if Yut-Lung needed the help, but rarely stepped in. 

“I’m better so you’re going back to the Caribbean right?” Yut-Lung asked as he looked up from his book. 

“I suppose so.” Blanca didn’t have much plans. He could go back or he could stay. 

“If I contract you to kill me would you do it?” Yut-Lung asked and set the book aside. Blanca frowned and shook his head. 

“I could never kill you.” Blanca answered. Yut-Lung frowned and looked away. 

“Because you made love to me?” Yut-Lung asked. Blanca said nothing and Yut-Lung was glad he didn’t. He really didn’t want to hear the answer. 

“Leave if you want, stay if you want. I don’t care.” Yut-Lung stood up, walking past Blanca. “I’m going to bed.” 

“Good night moon flower.” Blanca whispered. Yut-Lung pretended he didn’t hear it. For a minute, he almost felt loved. It hurt because it wasn’t real. Love wasn’t for people like Yut-Lung.


End file.
